Remembering the Pain of a Divorce I Didn’t Want
My divorce was official in April of 2014 but when my ex-wife asked for the divorce feels like it was just yesterday. I remember hearing her words pierce my heart the second they came out of her mouth. I thought it was surely something we could work out after almost 30 years together. Her mind was set and I could just try to suck it up and make it all OK for the kids and the household on pins and needles.
I remember the pure hell of emotions I went through. I felt like our 26 year relationship was a lie and experienced anger at the start. I felt the uncertainty of not knowing what would happen to the three kids emotionally. Where would I live? Could I afford child support and being able to have a shared custody of the kids? Would I be able to start over at almost 50 years old? I was lonely, felt rejected, had fears, wasn’t sure what the next day would look like. The negative emotions cycled in my head.
I knew there had to be a better way. Now I know there is. At that time it took everything to just wake up in the morning, go to work, be there for the kids, and still be OK knowing I had to move on. Now I know there is a way to put it all in perspective faster and move on…but it wasn’t a luxury to have that level of insight prior.
If I could do it over I would…
- Relax and calm down. Nothing but stress comes from being overly-emotional during the process of a breakup
- Start planning more quickly with a more level head after the breakup. Being calm multiplies creativity of possible solutions
- Spend efforts on where I needed to go and not pursuing my ex
- Avoid jumping into having alcohol or negative behavior that would hurt me emotionally or physically
- Not allow negative people and opinionated family members to have exposure around me
- Not allow isolation to take over. Would have enjoyed the small rewards in life and connect to those who had my best interest in mind
Focus on mindfulness in the moment and just feel great about what is around you. If it is as simple as a cup of coffee, smell the coffee, feel the warmth in your hands, notice the taste as you drink it. Slow down and realize that life can be inspiring. Bridging the small experiences in my life made a huge difference after the marriage. I had my moments of doubt and fear but also had some of the most profound and peaceful moments as I changed my focus.
