We may never know why our spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner turned on a dime. Sometimes it is difficult to see the signs of a crash coming. We want to remember back to when love was fresh and it seemed unbreakable. We were in love and nothing could distract, yet end something that feels so perfect. The chances are that it could have been going in a negative direction for quite some time.
Regardless of how it happened, I was able to come to the realization after the divorce of exactly what had taken place after a little distance to reflect. It is a little more difficult to see it when I stared it in the face each day. It is like having a child and everyone says, “Devon is getting so big.” But because we as parents have been around him daily, we don’t notice that he grew three inches in the last year. It is only after his physical with the doctor annually that we see the changes.
The signs are often there in a relationship that the direction is not productive but when two people are fighting to be right, we may never know why the other half shut off on a dime. The feeling of not being loved anymore is unbearable for many people.
First of all, a breakup consists of two minds and two people not being in alignment. Sometimes it goes way beyond the actions or behaviors of just one person. Just as recipes can often require certain ingredients in certain amounts, a relationship can require the same. What keeps one relationship on fire with passion can do the opposite with a different person, so don’t be too hard on yourself or change yourself for somebody else.
There are some steps that you can take after experiencing the pain of getting the news that it is over:
Step One: Stay calm
Your thinking and memory stay more optimal without stress and fear running through them. Stress releases Cortisol, which is your primary stress hormone, and this diminishes your ability to make logical choices in your mind. Step back and see the bigger picture. Know that freaking out right now will do little toward productive solutions.
Step Two: Remove the Impulse to Reach Out
When the person you love abandons you it is easy to feel like you need them badly. This is a huge mistake because it can lead to a more stressful confrontation. Just as they were not considering your emotions when they made they choice to break off the relationship,it is best to keep in mind that you approaching them with add to their feelings of it being over. It adds to their guilt for dumping you, and reminds them why they wanted away from you. Give yourself and the ex partner some breathing room. Stop emailing, calling, texting, driving by her/his house, using social media to contact them or post about them, and let life be right now.
Step Three: Shift Focus from We to I
When our focus is on how much you can’t live without your ex and how they were the best thing that ever happened to you, you are giving energy to them that you could be saving to invest in your own situation. Whether you like it or not, their wish was for the relationship to be over. Start looking at what is in front of you. You can never move forward if the car is in reverse. I am not at all saying this is easy. Your brain rarely has a focus on more than one thing at a time consciously. Keep it moving toward solutions versus problems that have already happened. Notice what questions you are asking yourself that make you feel lousy. If you are asking, “Why can’t I ever keep a girlfriend in my life?” your brain will give you answers to support that lousy question. Instead, ask, “What is great for me about no longer having to deal with this relationship?” Don’t you think you will feel much better with the answers your mind provides?
To get past a breakup we didn’t want, we have to learn to optimize our minds to magnetize toward a more fulfilling future. The future can be a masterpiece and one that far exceeds what we have experienced so far. Start to take action on things you can control. You will feel much better when you sense that you are gaining control over your life.