Identity Separation: Becoming Your Own Person After a Breakup
One of the most frequent questions I receive after a divorce or breakup is, “How do I become my own person with so many years with my ex?” I can completely relate to the confusion that comes with a serious relationship and “we to I” after years of bending my values, compromising to be a better husband, and then the subsequent abandonment of leaving much of myself behind in a long marriage. After 26 years with my ex, I realized just how much compromising I had done and the pieces of me left behind along the way. The important thing to remember is that some of what you used to be part of you can carry forward into your new life and you can also design other parts (reinvention) to create a new fulfilling life. First, you will need to have an idea of what characteristics are still in your heart about your life going forward. I will cover some ideas to achieve this goal.
What can you do to start separating your identity from your ex?
- A Do Not Fit List – Grab a pad a paper and your favorite writing pen and just start writing all of the areas of your past relationship that were not a great fit for you. Did you compromise your values for the other person? Did you give up activities you love because your ex had no interest? Did you set aside some of your life visions or goals just to be with the other person? Anything that wasn’t a fit for you goes down on the paper so you can move to the next step. Now turn your page over (or start a new one). Off of what you disliked or gave up (on the previous page) now write the opposite of what you can reclaim into your life. Write in activities you missed, goals you want still that were sacrificed, and how you want to live each part of your life now that room is created from the other person leaving. Just make the list as sweet as possible realizing that you have a bright future in front of you.
- The Bubble of Self-Sufficiency – Think of this as starting your own country. In the past you had two people but now you will have yourself to rely on. Now, you have a set of skills you must learn to be self-sufficient in your own life. If you started your own country you would need your own government (operating standards and rules), a grasp of economics (your finances), a plan for health, relationships and socialization…just figure out your skill gaps in each area of life and commit to mastering the needed skills. Choose the most vital skills first to master and set up a class or get a good book and dive in. Make time on your calendar to build these vital skills. Make the full goal to be dependent only on yourself for your skills and emotions. This doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help along the way, but get in the mindset that you are in control of your life.
Realize that you “got this” no matter what comes your way. The plan is always best to be proactive and consciously design your own life moving forward instead of getting stuck in a rut or doing things in the same outdated ways as you move into your new life. The only limits we have are the ones we bring. Instead of living in default, make conscious decisions of a new inspiring life and do the work and thinking to stay on that path.