When the pain seems unbearable after a breakup and we feel like we are caught up in a sea of negative emotions the situation can feel hopeless. I was there and I felt like it was an out of body experience. I just had night after night when I went to bed alone and saw myself deteriorating and felt there was nothing I could do about it. It was needless suffering and it took a lot to get back into control.
There was a distinct point when I remember the shift. I noticed that the majority of the situations causing me negative emotions and pain came when something triggered me to feel that way. As human we tend to attach to times we experience really powerful positive emotions or extremely negative emotions. For example, did you have a certain song that you attached positive feelings to in a relationship? There are endless examples of people who told me that a song was “their song” in a relationship. It used to be euphoric each time the song came up on the radio or Spotify. After the breakup the same song, when it comes on, now causes pain and loneliness.
There are at least a handful of triggers of this type that rule our subconscious minds each time the trigger shows its ugly face. We react like a monkey reaching for a banana and then the pain starts. To make matters worse, we tend to see these triggers everywhere. It can be in the form of an activity we did with our ex. It can come when we see a picture. It arises with places we used to frequent with our ex. Valentine’s Day was painful. Thanksgiving and Christmas were difficult.
One of the best things I did to move past the pain of my breakup and dealing with the loss of my 14 year old son was to sit down with a pad of paper and I listed every trigger I could think of that would lead to pain. I brainstormed exhaustively until I had an extensive list. Under each trigger I wrote two ways I could react differently when I experienced each trigger. The obvious solutions were to avoid the places and scenarios that caused the most pain. I came up with new hangouts. I set up new music playlists on my phone that ensured powerful emotions versus songs that caused loneliness or depression. Though the exercise was an investment of time, it has paid huge dividends. Since we have thousands of repeated thoughts daily, many negative, it is best to set up some new patterns that will create emotions by design versus knee-jerk reactions.
Try this exercise and email me at daryl@afterrelationship.com and let me know what works for you. I love to hear the success stories.